Rapturous Presidential Thoughts

This is my last chance to write anything before the Rapture tomorrow, so I thought I’d better get cracking.

My question re: this stupid prediction that May 21, 2011 is the appointed time for the Second Coming is right in line with Doonesbury’s. Check out below.

Pretty explicit, no? The angels in heaven are, as Elder Neal A. Maxwell once said, “usually a pretty well-informed group.” If they don’t know when Jesus will return, I’m thinking it’s a pretty safe bet that Harold Camping doesn’t know, either.

That said, I’m feeling like the Second Coming can’t come soon enough, as it will spare us from the embarrassment of the 2012 election. As candidates continue to inflict themselves on the national conversation, I find myself wavering in my complete avoidance of all thing political in an attempt to register my compete and utter disgust with the crop of candidates here presented. As a wavering Romneyite, I’ve found Mitt’s newfound love for all things Tea Party rather goofy, and with this latest “remaking” of himself, it makes me think there’s no real there there. You have an extremely competent manager with some vaguely conservative ideological instincts, but, increasingly, it becomes harder to recognize whether he has anything but raw, naked ambition.

Still, competence is something, and given that our budget problems aren’t truly partisan in nature, it might be nice to get a nonideological perspective. Party politics provides a very tribal lens through which to view the world, and it would be delightful if everyone could recognize that demographic pressures, not the evil machinations of donkeys or elephants, are to blame for our current woes. That requires a dispassionate solution, precisely the kind of thing politics is designed to avoid. Romney could provide that dispassion, and perhaps he will, but his present partisan flailings don’t inspire confidence.

As for the rest of the field, who else has the GOP got? Gingrich? Really? I think he’s extraordinarily bright, but surely he has to realize that the nation isn’t interested in carrying his extensive personal and political baggage.

And Palin? Oy. She gave an amazing speech at the 2008 GOP convention that made me a transient fan. Everything she’s done since then, however, has been alternately goofy or painful. It is partisan boilerplate for the Left to dismiss each and every Republican as an imbecile, yet our Mrs. Palin seems to be the rule that proves the exception. When she inadvertently compared her plight to that of the Jews killed in the Holocaust with her sloppy “blood libel” comments, she confirmed that she is, to quote Reagan speechwriter Peggy Noonan, a “nincompoop.”

Thankfully, Satan’s brother Mike Huckabee and King Combover Donald Trump are out of the running, so that leaves all the also-rans, some of whom might prove to be interesting, provided I discover anything at all about them. George Will insists it will be either Tim Pawlenty – who? – or Mitch Daniels – who again? – and there are some cool dudes like this guy Herman Cain who used to run a pizza empire. Yes, there’s always Ron Paul, who thinks the Federal Reserve is owned by the Queen, the Rothschilds, and Colonel Sanders.

But last and least, there’s Utah’s erstwhile governor and former Obama employee Jon Huntsman, Jr., a man who can’t decide whether or not he’s still a Mormon and thinks that the GOP is eager to embrace a pro-civil union, pro-Cap-and-Trade “spiritual” nebbish who thinks his foreign policy experience under the thumb of Hillary Clinton qualifies him for the White House. Folks, especially those outside of Utah that don’t realize how relentlessly disingenuous this clown is, trust me that he ain’t the way to go.

Then there’s the incumbent. I confess that I don’t hate him. But I do feel we can do so much better. So, yes, folks, I’m afraid it’s time to trot out the dead guy again.

That’s right!

Jacques Cousteau 2012!*

*I should note that I actually voted for Cousteau in 2008, but not for president. I didn’t have the guts to do that, sadly. Instead, I wrote in “Jacques Cousteau, famed undersea explorer” as my choice for governor. The Demo was a sloppy hippie, and I sure as hell wasn’t going to cast a ballot for Jon Huntsman.